


And I deserve better, I deserve better than you

by angelica_barnes



Series: When Is Enough Too Little? [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Falling Out of Love, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 16:30:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14476674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica_barnes/pseuds/angelica_barnes
Summary: harry and louis are in love.this is what love is, right?sleeping in separate beds and always saying sorry and always forgiving each other and always making the same mistakes again?and again?





	And I deserve better, I deserve better than you

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "Better" by Meghan Trainor

It starts when Louis takes his first sip of wine at a dinner party.

It’s not much, but it’s enough that he shouldn’t be driving. And Harry’s only tipsy, but he’s close enough to the edge that the offers for rides home reach deaf ears. And really, if someone’s going to drive, it should be him.

But it ends up being Louis, because Louis always drives.

Harry’s laughing when they hit the tree, in the pitch black of a literally empty road, and later on he’ll yell and scream and cry because he’s traumatized, but right now, he grasps Louis’ hand in his.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispers as the heart monitors beep, and Louis wakes up, but his eyes are still glassy. With tears or alcohol, Harry doesn’t know.

“I should though,” Louis whispers back, voice hoarse and thick with emotion. “You’re so much better than me.”

Harry shakes his head, leaning down to kiss Louis’ lips, but the blue-eyed boy turns his head and Harry ends up pecking his cheek. That’s really what it is, Harry assures himself. Fear.

“I want you, Lou,” Harry murmurs into his boyfriend’s ear, and Louis shivers. “And you are better than me.”

A tear slips down Louis’ cheek, “No.”

And Harry can barely hear him. But it’s so hopeless, so sad, and Louis drifts back into sleep and doesn’t remember the scene at all when he’s released.

 

 

-

 

Harry wakes up with his hair sticking to his face with sweat, and the clock reads 9:00. He rolls over to kiss Louis good morning, but his boyfriend isn’t there, and Louis  _ never _ wakes up early.

Harry wanders through the kitchen and passes the living room, where he freezes in the doorway. 

There’s Louis, passed out on the couch surrounded by broken glass and puddles of vomit and spilt wine.

“Oh, god,” Harry says, reaching out to touch Louis’ shoulder, and the boy stirs, drool absorbing itself into the cushions. Louis rolls onto his back and covers his eyes with his arm.

“What time is it?” Louis moans, and Harry kisses hair quickly, whispering, “Nine, love,” and running as he feels tears spring to his eyes. He makes it to the bathroom, where he locks the door and slides down against the back of it, burying his head in his arms as his face crumbles.

Louis doesn’t remember this either, but Harry does, and he calls Zayn, “Why do I love him?” 

And he could be mistaken, but he thinks he hears Zayn’s voice catch when he answers, “I don’t know, Harry.”

 

 

-

 

Louis’ strong suite is  _ not  _ apologizing, but he tries, and it’s the thought that counts. Harry comes home to roses and romantic candlelight, with a beautiful (definitely takeout) dinner waiting for him, and he smiles for the first time in a week.

Louis sits across from him and they eat in silence and small talk, until Louis drops his fork and leans forward, “This is to say I’m sorry, Hazza.”

Harry stops mid-chew, slowly glancing up at his expectant boyfriend. Once he gets over the initial shock, he swallows and puts his fork down too, but much gentler than Louis had. 

He reaches over and places his hand on top of Louis, feeling his heart flutter and his face flush and Louis smiles; “It’s okay.”

(He’ll learn later that it’s not, it never was.)

 

 

-

 

Louis is okay for awhile, and Harry is fine. And they’re… good, I guess, they’re good.

But they’re not how they used to be, with tender touches and loving glances and sweet non-nothings, because now it’s rough and angry and definitely nothing, but neither of them wants to end it.

Because they’re still in love, even if it’s toxic and terrible and they’re practically cheating on each other every day, drooling over other guys and checking people out. And for Harry, well, there’s Zayn.

“I love you,” Louis slurs one night, waving around a nearly-empty bottle of vodka, and Harry bites his lip as the tears form in his eyes and he helps Louis stand up.

They walk to the bedroom and Harry undresses him and has him lie down, before grabbing a few blankets and pillows and turning off the lights as he leaves, and he’s halfway out the door when he hesitates.

And Louis won’t remember any of this is the morning, so Harry whispers, “I’m not sure you do,” into the noiseless dark before tiptoeing downstairs.

They sleep separated that night, and for most nights after that.

(Harry finds it funny that Louis never asks why, and a part of him wonders if Louis has figured it out yet.)

 

 

-

 

Harry calls Zayn and asks him if they can go to dinner together, and Zayn agrees quietly. They meet up on corner of Fifty First Avenue and become walk-ins at Nando’s, and they eat while chattering up a storm, and Harry can’t help but think that this is more than he and Louis have talked in months.

At the end of the night, they decide to walk through a park they happen along, and Zayn’s fingers twitch as he taps Harry’s arm; “How’s Louis?”

And Harry sighs, because he’d been having such a good night, and he checks his phone and sees that he has 57 messages from Louis - they get increasingly more drunk and nonsensical as they go on.

Zayn takes that as an answer, taking Harry’s hand and forcing the boy to look at him; “Either he treats you right, or he doesn’t get the chance to.”

And Harry knows what Zayn means, but he only looks away; “Lou’s fine.”

(And he’s lying, but at least he knows it now.)

 

 

-

 

Harry gets home that night, smelling of roses and happiness and the fresh chrysanthemums that Zayn picked for him, and he feels a bit like he’s floating on air. He’d like to feel that way forever, if he’s being honest.

And he finds Louis in their bed, with tear-stained cheeks, and for once, Harry thinks he’s completely sober. 

So he envelopes the boy in his arms and tells him to sleep, but Louis just looks up at him, and Harry kisses his lips lightly.

And Louis smiles a little, but it doesn’t seem to appease him, because he’s fidgeting.

“Sometimes I don’t understand why you’re still with me,” Louis whispers, eyes bloodshot, and Harry sighs, pulling his boyfriend impossibly closer. He blinks back tears and presses a kiss to Louis’ neck, to the skin he knows so well. 

And then he admits the truth, everything he’s been thinking but has never admitted out loud (god knows Zayn can see right through him; Louis can’t).

“Sometimes I don’t either.”


End file.
